I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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