just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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