You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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