I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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