So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i love accidental penises.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
