Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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