I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
