clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize