she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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