its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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