Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
