I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
