I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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