I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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