Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
