i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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