life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was like eating out sand paper
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
