Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I supernannyed him into submission
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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