3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
