Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
