I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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