Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize