We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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