He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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