I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
