Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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