Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
im on a boat
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