His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
