one might say we're banned from that church
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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