Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
