I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
