david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
