he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I smell stomach acid.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
