Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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