***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
