She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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