end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
