He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
