Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
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