I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
