She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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