oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
