I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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