can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
