Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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