I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
