Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
