Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
