just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
