i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
