all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
