I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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