We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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