I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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